A Selection of Light Verse

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Published Date:31-07-2017
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A Selection of Light Verse By S. Bee A Mild Blend sbee.poetrygmail.comINDEX 3 .............. The Happy Inventor 4 .............. All Loved Up 5 .............. Heart’s Desire 6 .............. I Want 7 - 8 ......... Mr Zee 9 - 10 …... Alphabet Blackpool 11 ............ Christmas Magic 12 ............ Candy Girl 13 ............ Digital Rage 14 ............ TV Heaven 15 - 16 ..... Come Dine With Me 17 ............ NigglesThe Happy Inventor Here's the story of Sir Peregrine Brewster He happened to be a hapless inventor Once ideas took hold, they festered and festered He so wanted to be an original creator There was the robotic enamelled dog poo poop scoop An elasticated ladder with a fancy loop A solar powered torch A plastic porch An everlasting toffee that didn't last forever A complicated puzzle that slotted together A spicy cooking sauce It didn't sell, of course Garden gnomes that lit up in the dark A transparent play frame for the park A multi -coloured parrot that talked and sung And that was over before it begun Chocolate toothpaste, beef scented soap Poor Mr B never gave up hope A laser controlled car parking device Orange ice-cream - unique but nice All these patents cost a bob or two His wife didn't know what to do One day she simply said, No more He nodded sadly; he knew the score A few years went by, he had another try This time it worked, my oh my His wife was thrilled, she said Go ahead At least we'll be so very well fed So Peregrine was knighted. Why? You'll see Daffodil spread - the Queen's favourite for tea. S. BeeALL LOVED UP - HIS ALL LOVED UP - HERS I've been seeing her now for quite a while A nice looking bird with a winning smile Hey- guess what? How about that? When I suggest getting our own place We've finally got our very own flat Her eyes lit up, you should see her face A couple's space - it's rather swish A trial for marriage is what I wish My mates say I'm taking a chance But why not grab a little romance? Four weeks on - sweet sheer bliss Sex on tap, the ultimate pleasure We're still locked in a honeymoon kiss She does sudoko puzzles for leisure Apart from smelly socks on the floor I really couldn't ask for more She's somehow morphed into a control freak And sure, I know all about the leak It's somehow changed - he's getting on my wick Yes I've a loan, it's no big deal He slurps his tea - it makes me sick I'm sorry about the birthday meal I thought I loved him like no other So why am I forced to visit his mother? A new colleague today, she's flirting like mad She knows that I'm a bit of a lad His mates come round, the parties are loud Relax after work, drinks in a bar Why does he need such a big crowd? I tell her at home there's trouble with the car Not my scene, so I'm off to bed Remember the loving words he said So, I like a booze -up or two Cheer up love, don't be blue Six months in, things are tense Stormed off in a sulk, no sense of fun He still hasn't fixed the garden fence Why does she have to look so glum? Toe nails in the bath, always on the phone Football on the telly, then there's that loan… Housework duties? Oh stuff that I like my own way, here in this flat The rent's due, we've bills to pay I'm fed- up of your belly aching He's never in now and not today This situation is your own making I've made a special birthday meal But he's late, a troubled car wheel Shut up now, the football's on That's the phone - my mate John He never stops snoring at night Grocery's shopping's such a faff Almost into a rough pub fight She's upset - toenails in the bath If he shouts at me again like that I'll walk out, and never come back Socks and snoring, the rot's set in I'll give my other girl a ring All these arguments make me sad She wants us to meet up later I wish I'd stayed with mum and dad So I'll sneak out and get a paper He says I'm a nagging boring moaner Well he is one big awful groaner A year down the line, I dread coming home Hate hearing her voice, an ugly hard tone The carpets need hoovering, covered in dust But together, me and my secret girl Never mind that - just look at us Are happy now in our own world All loved up, together forever Now we simply discuss the weather She's gone - finally called it a day No big surprise bills to pay We didn't last over in a year I won't make this mistake again I've shed a bucketload of tears All it does is cause us pain. Onto John - a brand new fella This time it'll be so much better…. S Bee. 1/87/10Heart's Desire This is the story Of the ruby glory A jewel that's said to be cursed There's lots more to tell So settle back well Because this tale's in verse Victorian villa, 1923 A necklace was found, a sight to see A widow had died, the contents were sold The dealer stole, he was so bold Diamonds surrounded a heart of ruby He'd never eyed such dazzling beauty His future was sealed in the hands of fate The fortune here was easily made He hastily bartered this magnificent art Lived the high life - cream sugar tarts Yet soon his looty dwindled away The gambling tables he liked to play He so then died, poor and alone Dark black workhouse, cold to the bone The fever clawed him, on his way out Supping wine had caused the gout The third owner ran a jewel empire He was also an accomplished liar He spun a yarn to the Duchess of Leeds She now had it (and a cheap string of beads) Pale and pretty, with loud frothy frocks She locked the gem in a strong wooden box Her young life ended in tragedy The gun went off accidentally And so it passed to a cousin of hers Champagne parties and lots of furs The year is now 1934 A depression in Blighty - but she wants more She was wearing the necklace when the boat collapsed Another accident? Well - perhaps The ruby glory went down at sea And there she remains - so let the myth be. S Bee .I WANT Now you've proposed and bought the ring For my wedding, I want everything All the details exactly right A big fancy dress in purest white I want a traditional horse and cart Bridesmaids dresses, tiny pink hearts Matching waistcoats, cravats and flowers Sequins sewed take hours and hours A manor hotel for the reception An amazing, once in a lifetime occasion I want a three- course menu, champagne and wine Show our guests our dining is fine The evening do, buffet and disco First dance for us, romantic and slow A bespoke cake, ribbon and tiers We'll remember this day for years My hair and make up - perfect, you see I'll be a radiant bride to be Photographers, the best there is I'll be Missus instead of a Miss How to pay? Oh we'll get a loan It's my dream day, please don't moan Three week honeymoon in Florida Keys Don't skimp the cost, don't be mean Now I've outlined all my plans Over the top? No just grand Stop shouting love, don't be mad So, you're off out with the lads… This sad sorry tale ends in woe My fiance left me, he was so low The wedding was my only glory And so it ends, my little story The morale is clear, and here it is The path to true wedded bliss Cut your coat according to cloth Then he's sure to plight his willing troth. S. BeeMR ZEE Telling you all about Mr Zee He's as messy as can be He lives in a room in a house No one to talk to - not even a mouse He wears a long overcoat and shuffles about Round and fat - in fact, quite stout No teeth too, and of course, no hair He was once so slim and fair Newspapers tower high to the ceiling Jigsaw puzzles, wallpaper peeling Tins of soups, packets of crisps Broken radios and shopping lists Second hand clothes piled up on the floor You can't even open the door Files and boxes, ancient invoices All invitations needing responses Spanners, screwdrivers, bolts and screws Rancid sweets and smelly dog chews Stacks and stacks of old magazines Christmas lights and tangerines Wedding albums, photos galore A special secret tramp's store Books and books, a damaged typewriter Un-hung pictures and cigarette lighters The problem you see, with Mr Zee He likes to collect obsessively A compulsive hoarder never throws away Not yesterday, tomorrow or todayThings and things all from the past Housework is such a difficult task All this chaos makes him feel safe He's totally blind to the state of the place No pride, no joy in the home Nowhere nice to call his own Dirt and dust are daily bedfellows The lace curtains are faded yellow A room doesn't cost a lot to run Plenty of money left for fun But fun isn't on his agenda Mr Zee is no big spender Poor Mr Zee, it's so sad Some people even call him mad No children and of course, no wife What a way to waste a life It smells very bad, here in this room A dark, dismal decadent tomb The landlord says, Please clear up I'm afraid he's very much out of luck Mr Zee was asleep at night Suddenly - a flash of light Fire Quick get out now But stuff in the way. So -how? Poor Mr Zee, he's now dead Gone to heaven, so the vicar said The landlord took the rest in a lump Burnt black ash on a rubbish dump. S. BeeAlphabet Blackpool Appreciative audiences everywhere Atmosphere, allure and adventure are all here at The biggest and best in Britain Bright, breezy Blackpool Come and see Cheap shops. chip shops and candy floss Discover a diet of distaste, dollies and decadence Experience and enjoy Everlasting entertainment Find Fun, False frolics and fake fortune tellers Gormless Grooms and glamorous grannies Giggle and gorge on garish gimmicks Holiday on hot dogs, hamburgers and happiness Immerse yourself in Illuminations, Ice cream and illusions Join in with Jolly joke shops, japes and jugglers Kinky kicks, Kiss me quick, knick -knacks and knickers Legendary laughs In the Lancastrian land of lewdnessMarvel at Magnificent money making machines Notice Necessary neon -naughty, but not nice Ostentatious occasions Occupying oafs, OAPs and optimists A parade of Piers, public conveniences and pleasure Queue all day For quantity, not quality Roll up, roll up Relish restaurants and recreations Selling sex, shows and satellite TV The tourist attraction The thrilling tantalising tower Understand, this is an unlimited universal utopia A variety of vivid videos and vibrators Working classes wander into the waxworks An X rated bar, in an X rated resort Yesterday I yielded my yearning for Yorkshire Zoom I went To a zany zenith of zombies.I thought it was about time To write a little Christmas rhyme Outlining the trials and tribulations About our annual celebration Christmas Magic The build-up begins around bonfire night When every town puts up its lights By S. Bee Before trick or treating's begun The Christmas bells have already rung It's that special time of year When we're supposed to be full of cheer But here we are, all of us moaning Because it's raining instead of snowing This is when parents cower Under the full force of pester power The TV ads give me a headache And there's two dozen mince pies to bake The panicking starts in early December Last year's gifts? I can't remember I don't want the buy the same again I know what it was - a notebook and pen Eternal shopping, going round and round The perfect present must be found Tired and stressed are we still merry? I need a rest and a sup of sherry The kids are always hassling Dad They all want the latest fad Mum's forever making lists Is there something else she's missed? Brass bands play carols galore I don't think I can take any more The DVD's broken, thank god for the telly But the remote control's fallen in the jelly Grandma's false teeth are once again missing She won't be doing any mistletoe kissing Dad's bum's sore cos he's sat on the holly Grumpy and fed-up, he's not feeling too jolly The kid's are squabbling, the dog's been sick Peel carrots or parsnips, take your pick In the corner, the cat's had a wee But we'll have a nice cup of tea The turkey's burnt, the sprouts are soggy The baby's wrestling with the moggy The tree sparkles, it looks so pretty I'm nearing the end of my little ditty I suppose what I'm trying to say is this It's not too bad - not to be missed Out of the window, I hope to see A twinkling star, pure magic for me.Long ago, in a bygone age Eating sweets was all the rage In the 70's, when I was young Candy Girl I'd savour the sugar on my tongue Almost every single day By S. Bee I'd choose with care on the penny tray Taking my time, I'd purposefully linger Fruit salad chews or a chocolate fudge finger? I'd rush to our local shop To sup gallons of cream soda pop And maybe have a cola bear ice-lolly Accompanying it, an everlasting toffee Palma violets and flying saucers, I greedily scoffed them all Cherry lips or midget gems And a cool ice-cream screwball Coltsfoot rock was what I munched And even a mint cracknel crunch But one of my favourites too Were lots and lots of black jack chews Pink panther chocolate and sherbet dips These were what I liked to lick In summer time, what was extra nice Were Ju-Jubes - flavoured triangular ice Dolly mixtures and Pontefract cakes: Liquorice discs - not something you'd bake Coconut tobacco and sweet cigarettes Not on sale today, I bet What I really l liked to eat Was a whole bag of chocolate Treets To swill it down, a bottle of Tizer Instead, all we got was yukky Cresta To add to my collection of spice Milk and white chocolate mice Rainbow drops and sherbet dips Even fishermen's friends and imps Now we've arrived at that time To finally end this sugary rhyme All about my forgotten youth And my eternal, all decaying sweet tooth We're now at the end of my ditty So sad - it's such a pity I have to keep this appointment I've missed Because you see, it's at the local dentistDIGITIAL RAGE Now then, hear up, I want to say In this peculiar year and day When I was a very young lass No mod cons - life was a blast From mouse to house - now's the time Shopping, courting, all done on-line World wide web - I suppose it's okay As long as it ends Co dot UK Automatic doors Heating for floors Moving photos, CGI Glorious treats for your eyes Blogging, facebook then there's twitter What about one, simply called witter? For golden oldies just like me Who like to chat over a cup of tea Bingo is not a social event Playing solo all alone on the net E-mail, CD's, mobile phones Cash machines bleep in robotic tones Holidays - easy booked on a PC We hopped on the coach, so much better you see MP3 players instead of vinyl LCD TV for the football final I-pads, I- pods - so what's next? An I device worn around the neck Anyone, anywhere summoned in seconds Even (I expect) when we're in heaven Technology requires the micro-chip But systems crash, dips and blips Yes I know that I may mock No interest in a big Xbox Barcodes, laptops, DVD's It's too much no more please Well here's my product for the millennium age It's my brand new all-dancing digital rage. S. BeeWhen I was just a nip of girl I loved escaping to my own little world This is about my TV craze My special 70's telly days TV heaven I adored cartoons, like Popeye And Mick and Jenny on Magpie By S. Bee But what could seem even better Were those lively kids, the double deckers Remember the herbs, and Hector's house? Tom and Jerry, a cat and mouse The Wombles, and Scooby doo Mr Benn and Doctor Who The Flinstones, and Rupert the bear I simply viewed anywhere Crystal tipps, and Alastair Remember her, with all that hair? I always had a telly blitz Especially for the banana splits With muttely, and Penelepe Pipstop There's Andy Pandy and the Woodentops With Basil brush and Barbar too For me, the time really flew But what was a little feeble Were all the effects on The tomorrow people Mary, Mungo and Midge were my friends I never wanted it to end Pipkins too was simply great Broadcast at lunch, it was never late There was Octavia, and Hartley the hare Paddington too - another bear On Sundays, 'Just William' for tea And Jackanory - a story for me I've really hoped to cover them all Remember Jamie, and his magic ball? Foghorn Leghorn, a great big chicken He certainly wasn't finger lickin' Little house on the prairie- another tea time treat Blue Peter during the week, it's hard to beat Animal crackers - remember them? Playschool, and Bill and Ben Now I have to end my ditty Down memory lane - it's such a pity I hope, with me, you've looked back in time And enjoyed reading my little rhyme.Come dine with me A creative chef acquired a new wife But cooking was his passion in life His recipes were unique, you see So many different things for tea Garlic flavoured jelly Not nice in your belly Boil, roast, grill or fry Big brown sausages baked in a pie Lemon beef tart Sheep and pig heart Snake in potato Toad in tomato Sweet and sour, sharp and bland The silliest flavours in the land Soft and crispy, sloppy and chewy Anything went, he wasn't fussy Semolina and pilchards blended together His wife said loudly - No not ever His hot curry pop Was an instant flop Despite his liquorice tasting custard She felt he couldn't quite cut the mustard Instead she went away, and so thought An idea crept in, and then it was caughtCheese, toffee and chocolate burgers Melon, mango and mint fishfingers Raspberry soup Made them poop And so he baked A seaweed cake Vanilla and cabbage - not a nice meal Neither was rice and orange peel Yoghurt casserole she hated the most Nothing like cow's tail on toast Pigeon seeded bread Pasta pepper spread Pineapple eggs Chicken coffee legs Cream dumplings made horrid snacks Beetroot and grass, served in stacks One day she said, I've had enough I'm utterly sick of eating this stuff While you've created these horrible dishes I've worked hard on my secret wishes And here it is A beautiful wine We'll go out to eat, to properly dine We'll sell this drink to the great and the good It'll make us rich, and so it should He threw his apron away in delight This wine is delicious You're quite right He put down his glass, only to say My career's now over - at least for today… S BeeNIGGLES The smear on the window Painful stubs on your toe The itch on your back you cannot reach A hot, stony pebbly beach The milk's gone off A tickly cough Being kept on the phone for hours and hours Sales staff who possess no manners Racing to cross, the lights turn red Stale biscuit crumbs, so prickly in bed Spam and phishing, junk e-mails Supermarket queues like a long fox tail Barking dogs Rude road hogs High heels go a- clip clop Washing's out, look a rain drop The last missing piece in a jigsaw puzzle Teenagers hanging round in a huddle Mucky public loos are simply no joke Your last twenty pee - and they don't work Blue bottle buzz Rush hour crush Pens that suddenly run out of ink Nasal poison - bombs that stink A favourite programme cancelled without warning Fake tan celebrities - lots of media fawning Cigarette ends gathered in the gutter Marmalade shreds stuck in the butter Thump- thump music Makes me sick Litter in the street No bobbies on the beat Bargain shops - so nasty and cheap Early morning birds that chirp and tweet Bosses pretending to be your mate Waiting for the bus that's always late These are my niggles of everyday life It's hard sometimes - so much trouble and strife But I hope that you really agree with me Become more laid back - that's the answer, you see S. Bee 14/7/10Acknowledgments Many thanks for my hubby for converting my poems into PDF format, designing the cover and finding the illustrations. Many thanks too for finding e-book websites and uploading. Synopsis/ book blurb: WARNING: This selection of light- hearted verse is for entertainment purposes only. DAILY DOSE: Take one a day. For maximum effect, please finish the prescribed course as prescribed. Comments and queries to: sbee.poetrygmail.com Brief bio: Hi, I’m S..Bee. I’m married with one cat and we all live happily in West Yorkshire (in the UK). I’d love to receive feedback on my work. Please e-mail me at the above address.

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