What About Love?
Reminders for Being Loving
GINA LAKE
CONTENTS
Introduction vii
PART 1: LOVE IS…
Essays About the Essence of Love
Love Is All You Need 2
Love Is Gentle 5
Love Transcends Appearances 8
Love Is Acceptance 12
Love Is a Choice 15
Love Is Being in Essence 17
Love Is Recognizing the Divine Self 21
Love Is Behind All Life 23
Love Is What Drives Life 26
PART 2: BEING LOVING
Essays About How to Become More Loving
Love the Uniqueness in Everyone 32
Give Freely 35
Experience the Source of Love Within 38
Put Love Above Being Right 43
Take Time to Respond from a Deeper Place 47
Focus on What Is Lovable 50
Love What You Do 54
Notice What You Love 59
Be Kind to Yourself 63
Enjoy Whatever You Are Doing 66
Express Gratitude 69
Don’t Share the Ego’s Truth 72
Make the Loving Choice 75
Love Is for Giving 79
PART 3
58 Quotes for Daily Inspiration 91
About the Author 150
INTRODUCTION
Love is so important to our well-being; and yet,
contacting that which is within us that is naturally
and spontaneously loving is often difficult. This
book is intended to help you do that. It is made up
of essays and short quotes taken from my other
books, particularly Loving in the Moment, Living in the
Now, Embracing the Now, Trusting Life, and Anatomy of
Desire. To better understand what is presented here,
it seems important to define some of the terms used,
although those who are familiar with Eckhart Tolle’s
writings will already be familiar with these terms.
It is obvious that human beings have a dual
nature, that is, they have the potential for both good
acts and harmful acts. We can be loving,
compassionate, and altruistic or the opposite. Most
of us would like to be more loving because it feels
good to be loving and because it is actually our true
nature to be loving. But something exists within us
that makes it difficult to be loving consistently, and
that something is the ego.
The ego is the false self (as opposed to the true
self, or Essence, as I like to call it). The ego is made up
of conditioning—beliefs, opinions, judgments,
“shoulds,” and any number of ideas that are part of
our programming and psychological makeup. This
conditioning affects how we see and react to the
world, and we often respond unconsciously to this
conditioning without realizing that we have a choice.
Although some of our conditioning is necessary and
useful, much of it is false, negative, and limiting.
This is the conditioning that causes us suffering and
results in our causing suffering to others. These false,
negative, and limiting beliefs and perspectives are
what interfere most with loving.
The ego is reflected in the voice in our head, the
ongoing inner commentary we all are so familiar
with. The ego admonishes and pushes us, chats with
us, judges, fantasizes, and tells us what to do and
how to do it. The ego is also behind most sentences
that begin with “I.”
This aspect of the mind is often referred to as
the egoic mind because it is the aspect of the mind
that is driven by the ego. The egoic mind is different
from the more functional mind that we use to read,
viii learn, calculate, design, analyze, and so forth. The
functional mind doesn't speak to us but is a tool we
use when engaged in tasks that require us to think.
The ego tells us how to run our life, but it
doesn’t have the wisdom to guide us. Instead, the
ego is the cause of suffering because its voice is so
often negative and leads to negative feelings. The
ego’s perceptions and values are too limiting and
narrow to encompass the truth about life. The egoic
mind is an archaic aspect of ourselves that we are
evolving beyond.
The ego—who we think we are, with all the
judgments, conditioning, and projections—is an
imposter, and this imposter is the saboteur of all
relationships and of happiness in general. Essence is
who we really are, the divine Self that is living this
life through us. It is our essential goodness. We are
actually spiritual beings playing at being human
beings.
Because we are programmed to pay attention to
the voice in our head, we often fail to notice what is
actually going on in the present moment—in the
Now; we often aren’t present to reality. Most people
live in a mental world, a virtual world of sorts. When
we drop out of this mental world into the Now and
are fully present to whatever experience we are
ix
having, we experience a depth, a richness, and a joy
and peace that feel sacred. When we are in the Now,
we experience love Love easily flows outward toward
others and all life. This is the experience of our true
self, or Essence. So, when we talk about being in the
Now or being present to life, we are also talking
about this experience of Essence—the experience of
our divine Self.
The experience of being identified with the ego,
on the other hand, is an experience generally of
contraction, fear, judgment, unhappiness, and
discontentment. Love doesn’t flow from the ego. The
ego’s relationship to relationship is: “What can you
do for me?” Love is only experienced when we are
aligned with Essence. So we can become more loving
by learning to become more aligned with Essence
and less identified with the negative, judgmental
voice in our head. This is accomplished by simply
becoming more aware of our dual nature and
consciously choosing to align with love rather than
identify with the egoic mind’s judgment and other
thoughts that cause negative feelings and
contraction. What chooses love? That is the great
Mystery, isn’t it? That is Essence—who you really are
x
PART 1
LOVE IS…
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED
We have everything we need because all we need is
love, and everyone has an unlimited supply of that.
Not everyone may feel love, but it is always there and
available to give to others.
The way we experience the unlimited supply of
love is by giving it away. That is counter-intuitive,
which is why it may seem like there isn't enough
love. When we believe we need to get love from
outside ourselves, that sense of lack stops the love
flowing from inside us to others. Believing that you
need love becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy: You
believe you need love because you aren't
experiencing it, and in trying to get it, you fail to give
it, so you don't experience it. You can't really do two
things at once: If you are relating to someone, you
are either giving your attention (love) to that person
or trying to get something from that person. You are
either in Essence (giving attention) or in ego (trying
to get attention). These are very different states of
consciousness, and they result in very different
experiences.
2 The experience of being in ego is an experience of
lack. The ego never has enough of anything,
including love. So the ego looks outside itself to try
to get what it feels it lacks. The ego tries to
manipulate the world to fill its desires and so-called
needs.
The experience of being aligned with our true
nature, or Essence, on the other hand, is an
experience of fullness. If Essence has a need, it
would be to give love, to attend fully to whatever is
happening right now in the present moment. Being
in Essence is an experience of loving whatever is
arising and giving attention to that out of love for it.
When we do that, we fall in love with life. And when
we are in love with life and with the present
moment, there is a natural movement outward to
give to or support whatever is showing up in life.
That flow of love and attention toward life is the
experience of love that everyone is looking for. It is
always possible to give attention and love to whatever
is showing up in our life. It is a simple choice, but
not so easy to do. The ego doesn't value doing that.
It doesn't believe that doing that will get it what it
wants.
The irony is that giving love and attention to
whatever is showing up in our life is exactly what gets
3
us what we want, and doing what the ego thinks will
make it happy results in the opposite. Life is a little
like Alice's experience in Wonderland: Everything is
backwards. However, once you realize that secret
about life, your experience of the world changes. Life
becomes bountiful and supportive rather than
lacking and unkind. The kindness that flows from
you creates a kind world, not only for you, but also
for others. All you need is love—and you already have
plenty of that to give
From Living in the Now
4
LOVE IS GENTLE
I was listening to a song the other day, and some of
the words were “Love is gentle, and love is kind.”
The truth of that really touched me. We think of
love as being a feeling—an emotion—but true love is
more of a being and a doing, a giving, an
outpouring. Love touches, love offers itself, love is
gentle, and it is kind. That's how we know it. We
know love by its fruits. Love gives: It listens, it
caresses, it nourishes, it nurtures. It does whatever is
needed of it. Love naturally responds to life as life
presents itself.
Romantic love isn't like this at all. Romantic love
is a giddy feeling, an excitement, an anticipation of
getting something from someone. It makes us feel
like a kid at Christmas—“Yippee I'm going to get
what a want” Romance is exciting, fun, and feels
wonderful, but it's not really love. It's too self-
centered for that. When we are in love, we are often
oblivious of the needs of others, as we have only the
beloved on our mind. We become fascinated and
obsessed with the beloved to the exclusion of
5
everything else. We love the beloved, not for what he
or she is, but for what we think that person might
mean to us and to our life. We are excited because
the beloved is believed to enhance us.
The feelings of romantic love are created by an
illusion (i.e., psychological projection) and by the
release of certain chemicals in the brain. Romantic
feelings are a very different kind of love than true
love; they are a falling in love with what we hope will
be our salvation and happiness forever. That kind of
love never lasts and often disappears upon getting to
know someone better. If we are lucky, it turns into
something truer, more real, more akin to our true
nature.
It is our nature to love, to be gentle, to be kind.
When all thoughts from the egoic mind (the voice in
your head) drop away or aren't given attention, love
is our natural response to life. The only thing that
ever interferes with love is a thought, usually a
judgment or fear. These are the enemies of true love.
They undermine it and eat away at it, or prevent it
altogether. Love cannot exist in the ego's world of
judgment and fear. And yet we, as humans, need and
want love so desperately. Because of this, we learn to
love for love's sake, for the joy of loving, without
conditions, just because it is our nature to love. We
6 learn to move beyond the ego's judgments and fears
because doing so is the only way to get what we really
want—true love. We find a way to love in spite of our
judgments and fears.
We discover this very simple truth: Love is an act
of kindness, not a giddy feeling. Love is a natural
expression of our true nature, not a feeling we get
from others. The ego manipulates others to do what
it wants so that it can feel love, but that's the
opposite of love. Love allows others to be just as they
are. It supports and nurtures, listens, and cares. Love
flows toward others from within us. It exists within
us and isn't something we get from others.
This kind of love is the most fulfilling thing in the
world. Experiencing it doesn't require that you be
beautiful or rich or healthy or intelligent or that you
have a special talent or standing in life; experiencing
it only requires that you express it. It's free and it
frees us, and it frees others from the ensnarement of
the false self. It's the greatest gift and one that
doesn't cost the giver anything. It takes nothing from
the giver and returns everything. This is the great
secret we are meant to discover.
From Living in the Now
7
LOVE TRANSCENDS APPEARANCES
Appearances seem so important. Most of us believe
that our appearance is very important, and we work
very hard at looking a certain way. This is especially
true for women, of course, and this conditioning is
very difficult to overcome because there's a lot of fear
that not looking good will have drastic
consequences. For many people, appearance is a top
priority and often remains that way right up until
death. My mother, for instance, insisted on “putting
on her face” even on her deathbed after her body
had been diminished to skin and bones by cancer.
Even then, she was still trying to improve herself, still
not seeing the beauty that she was as this old dying
woman, still not allowing herself to just be as she
was.
Our appearance does affect how others initially
react to us. However, it's not as important as we
make it. We suffer over it and try so hard to look
other than the way we do. All of this trying is
exhausting and takes time and energy away from
things that are more fulfilling and important in life.
8 That's the problem—when we are consumed with our
appearance, we aren't giving our attention and
energy to other things that might be more
meaningful, fulfilling, and rewarding. We might not
discover that cultivating kindness is more rewarding
than cultivating beauty. We might fail to notice the
beauty that is here, within ourselves and others, just
as we are.
Inner beauty and outer beauty can be at odds,
since there is only so much attention and energy we
have. Where your energy and attention go reflects
what you value. Do you value outer beauty more
than inner beauty? You might say you don't, but
where are you putting your energy and attention?
What are your thoughts on?
The funny thing is that others love us for our
inner beauty, for the unique expression of Essence
that we are, although they may be attracted to us by
our outer beauty. However, that allure doesn't mean
much if they don't also fall in love with us. What
people fall in love with isn't our outer beauty (that's
attraction or infatuation, not love), but something
much more subtle—our being. They love us because
they see lovable qualities that belong to Essence:
goodness, creativity, kindness, joy for life, patience,
9
compassion, courage, wisdom, strength, clarity, and
so on.
The beauty of getting old with someone is the
opportunity it presents to really get that appearances
don't matter. You watch as your beloved changes
before your eyes into an old man or old woman, but
you may love him or her more than ever, not because
of how he or she looks, but because you love your
beloved's being—you love how he or she is in the
world and with you. That's when you really get that
all this emphasis on appearances is false.
Appearances never were that important. You only
thought they were.
Just because most people believe that appearances
are important doesn't make it so. People are under
the illusion that appearances are far more important
than they are, which does create that reality to some
extent—it makes this seem true. This illusion results
in a culture that's sadly misled into putting too much
energy and attention on such things. This cultural
illusion makes it more difficult to discover the
truth—that appearances aren't that important. But
life is wise and ages us so that we can discover the
truth. It is perhaps one of the greatest lessons of our
lives, although it may take a lifetime to learn it.
10 If we realize that appearances aren't that
important, then aging can be experienced as
fortunate, as it gives us the gift of finally getting to
relax and stop striving to improve ourselves. We
finally get to put our attention on what's important—
on loving others (and ourselves) just the way we are.
This is the greatest gift we can give others and
ourselves, and the most important thing we can do
in life.
From Living in the Now
11
LOVE IS ACCEPTANCE
Some people are easier to love than others, and they
are the ones, therefore, who experience a lot of love.
They experience it both within themselves and
coming to them from others. What is their secret?
Amazing good looks? No. Stunning personalities?
No. Money and power? No. Their secret is none of
the things we assume will make us more lovable.
Their secret is that they love, and by that I mean,
they accept others the way they are. Isn’t that when
you feel loved—when you feel accepted rather than
judged?
Acceptance is the opposite of judgment and the
antidote to judgment, and acceptance brings us the
experience of love. What is the experience of love? It
is the experience of accepting and being accepted,
the experience of relaxation, of being able to just be,
without struggling and striving to be any different
than we are or requiring that others be different than
however they are. That is what we all want—to just be
able to relax and be okay just the way we are and to
be okay with others just the way they are.
12 When someone gives us this gift of acceptance,
we love them. What a gift It is a gift you would
never reject and hopefully one you will return,
because returning it—giving others this gift—brings
you the experience of love. Loving and accepting
others feels good. It is its own reward. It isn’t even
necessary for others to love and accept you in return
because it’s enough to just feel love and acceptance
for others.
The ego loves, or tries to love, in order to get
love or something else it wants. But this kind of love
isn’t really love. It’s more like being nice, and it may
not entail acceptance at all but something more like
tolerance for the purpose of getting something. This
is a very different experience than love. Tolerating
people is better than not tolerating them, but it’s not
the same as enjoying them, which can only come
from true acceptance.
You accept others because you appreciate the
unique expression of life that they are. What
amazing things these human forms are And all the
different personalities When we can just let people
be the way they are, it is such a relief—for us and for
them. Allowing people to just be is loving them, and
this appreciation and allowing flows from our true
nature, or Essence, which is love. Accepting and
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