Comedy Jokebook

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THAT’S HAT S T ’ COMEDY OMEDY C JOKE BOOK OKE OOK J B PREVIEW EDITION PREVIEW EDITION “Of all the Joke Books ever Published… this is One of Them” THAT’S COMEDY THAT’S COMEDY Preview Edition 1.02 Published by Dean Rackley That's Comedy Joke book is copyright 2004 Horizon Enterprises All rights reserved worldwide. Okay, here's the deal. You may freely re-distribute this Preview Edition as you wish. You may give it away from your web site or through your ezine as a freebie for your subscribers and visitors. You may also use it as a free bonus to induce people to subscribe to your mailing list as long as you offer it for FREE and in its entirety without alteration of any kind. If you'd like to join the "That's Comedy Joke Book" affiliate program and earn 50% of all sales, just Click Here Page 1 Disclaimer This book contains adult jokes that could be considered offensive by some. By reading beyond this point you certify that you are over the age of 18 (eighteen) and not offended by adult humor. All of these Jokes have been either sent to me, or collected from various places around the Internet. As far as I know they are all in the public domain. If any copyrighted material is found in this publication, would the authors please inform me so I may remove it or give proper credit. To be notified when future volumes are available, and receive Free Jokes via email each weekday simply subscribe to That’s Comedy… Or visit That’s Comedy on the web at…  2004 Horizon Enterprises Page 2 Table of Contents What follows is a giant collection of the best jokes and funny quotes culled from the pages of That’s Comedy Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 - Last Words Preview of 'THAT'S COMEDY ON CD' Page 3 Chapter 1 Don’t spend 5 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They’ll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents This guy is driving his pickup down a country lane when suddenly a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He’s just about to slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes that the chicken has sped on ahead, doing about 30 miles per hour. Amazed, he speeds up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a small farm. As he turns to follow, the guy notices that the chicken has three legs. He pulls to a stop in front of the farmhouse, and looking around, notices that ALL the chickens have three legs. He says to the farmer; “Three-legged chickens? That’s astounding” The farmer replies; “Yep, I bred ‘em that way. I love drumsticks.” “Well, tell me,” asks the guy “how does a three-legged chicken taste?” “Dunno,” says the farmer “I haven’t been able to catch one yet.” “According to a new study from Italy, some women are actually able to hear with their breasts. Of course this is great for Italian men, because they talk with their hands.” - Jay Leno Page 4 Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, “Ey, Tony You know who’s-a George Washington?” Tony says, “No, Giuseppi, who’s-a George Washington?” He says, “Hah George-a Washington’s the first-a President of- a United States. I’m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.” A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. “Ey, Tony, you know who’s-a Abraham Lincoln?” Tony says, “No, Giuseppi, who’s-a Abraham Lincoln?” He says, “Hah Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I’m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.” A guy in the back of the shop yells, “Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?” He says, “No. Who’s-a Fishlips Lorenzo?” The guy yells, “That’s the guy who’s-a bangin’ your wife while you’re in night school.” On hemorrhoids: “The examination is humiliating. You go in bent over on a table, your pants around your ankles, and an old man has a finger up your ass. It’s a lot like summer camp.” - Jon Stewart Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, Page 5 “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming...” He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off. Now completely nude, she purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?” The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, its got to be your ears” Astounded, she replies, “My ears? Why my ears? Look at these breasts They are full, don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural My buns - they are firm and don’t sag, and have no cellulite Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?” Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers, “Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was me.” I was in a bar the other night hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky . . . there wasn’t any gum under any of them. - Emo Philips A young man is on a date with a young woman and they go parking. After some heavy petting the young man asks the young woman for oral sex. “No”, says the young woman, “you won’t respect me.” So the young man is content to wait. After they had been dating a few months, the young man again asks the young woman for oral sex. Again she replies, “No, you won’t respect me.” Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride “Honey, please, we’re married now. You know I love you and respect you. Can I please have oral sex?”. “No”, she says “I just know that if I do that, you won’t respect me.” So the man waits. And waits... And waits.... After 20 years of marriage the man says, Page 6 “Honey, we’ve been together 20 wonderful years now. We’ve raised three beautiful kids. You KNOW that I love you and respect you completely. How about oral sex, just once???? Please??????” So the wife finally gives in to her husband’s wish and performs oral sex on him. After she is done they are lying in bed relaxing and the telephone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says, “Answer that you cocksucker.” “It’s weird; I have a parent who’s a shrink. It’s hard to think of my mom solving other people’s problems when she’s the root of all mine.” - Carol Leifer Ted’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room at the local hospital. The ER doctor says, “Wow that’s pretty bad. Don’t worry, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.” Ted says, “I haven’t got the fingers.” The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers This is a modern hospital, we’ve got highly trained micro surgeons and all kinds of incredible techniques. We could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn’t you bring the fingers?” Ted says, “Well, shit, Doc, I tried but I couldn’t pick ‘em up.” Page 7 “You know what’s fun to do? Rent an adult movie, take it home, record over it with The Wizard of Oz, then return it so the next guy that rents it is thinking. ‘When is this Dorothy chick going to get naked?’” - Mark Pitta A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy, by now exhausted, says: “Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself.” While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He goes up to the guy and says; “Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I’ll change your flat if you’ll take over for me.” The guy agrees. He jumps into the back of the car and starts to go at it with the woman. He’s just getting to the gravy strokes when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks, “What’re you doing in there?” The guy says “I’m making love to my wife.” The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?” The guy answers “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shined the light on her. “He says, ‘Come on, honey. I can’t remember the last time we made love.’ She says, ‘Well I can - and that’s why we’re not.’” - Rodney Dangerfield Page 8 An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and says, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.” Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t too well. I have cancer, and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.” After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad, I thought you said that you’re dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?” Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer, son, I just don’t want any of them bastards sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.” “I’m getting ready to be a parent. I just turned 30 and I’m tired of cutting the grass.” - Jeff Foxworthy Page 9 Two die-hard golfers, Mike & Steve, are out playing a round when a thunderstorm comes roaring in. On the third tee, a bolt of lighting comes down and strikes both golfers dead. Arriving at those pearly gates, God comes down to talk to the two men. “Sorry, but we made a mistake” says God, “it seems that it was not your time to die. Now, I can send you back, but you have to go back as someone different. It’s just too confusing since they already had the funerals. In fact your wives are already dating” After the two golfers have a little talk they approach God and make their request “We decided we want to go back as a couple of dykes” says Mike, “... good looking dykes if you please” says Steve. “That’s no problem,” replies God “but I must know why you guys want to be dykes” “Well we figure if we go back as dykes we still get to have sex with woman…” says Mike, “… plus” adds Steve “ we get to play from the ladies tee.” “I went to confession . . . I said, ‘Father, I want to hold men down and I want to whip them, I want to force them to caress my naked body.’ ‘Say 10 Hail Marys and meet me behind the Exxon station’” - Joanne Dearing This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?” But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. Page 10 He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another deceased was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So . . . I switched the heads.” “They say it’s never too late to learn to play the piano, but at 2:30 am, I really wish my roommate would quit and go to bed.” - Nathan Hansar The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and begin talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen. “Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. “I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not big enough” “No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long. “Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow....” “No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. Page 11 “Wow” she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?” “It was horrible,” he replies, “All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.” “God give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a huge friggin’ bag of money.” - David Levine An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.” Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.” Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free” Peter replied with some exasperation. Page 12 “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.” With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago” “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” - Les Dawson. A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. “When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your ass. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can’t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won’t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar.” “Thanks doc, I’ll try it.” And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. “What? My recommendation didn’t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours” “Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction,” said the patient. “What is that supposed to mean?” “Well, I don’t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can’t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass.” Page 13 “You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.” - Emo Phillips Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh . . . she got fired too.” On edible underwear: “I don’t know what the big deal is about these. You wear them a couple of days, they taste just like the other ones.” - Tom Arnold Page 14 A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” “Now what?” asks the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first” “AT&T this week announced the first 40,000 layoffs. A spokesman for AT&T said, ‘You know anyone who needs a good spokesman?’” - Norm MacDonald Page 15 Two elderly women share the driving back and forth to church on Sundays. This particular Sunday they were out driving in their large car both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went right on through. Ethel, the woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red and again they went right through, narrowly missing a turning vehicle. This time Ethel was almost sure that the light had been red but was still concerned that she might be mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through almost hitting a pedestrian. Ethel turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred Did you know you just ran through three red lights in a row You could have killed us” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?” “I don’t know how it would work exactly, but to be on the safe side, if I ever get sent to prison I would definitely select the “Maximum Cavity Protection” toothpaste.” - Kevin Kee A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Belfast. He explained that he would quit before moving there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the violence even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits. His co-worker told him to reconsider. He explained that Belfast was a magnificent city, with wonderful pubs, loaded with great history, good public transportation, etc. Page 16 Then he said: “Why I myself worked in Belfast for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem while I was working. The stories about violence are greatly exaggerated” The first asked, “What did you do over there?” “I was tail-gunner on a milk truck.” “A lot of things go on when you’re a kid that you don’t figure out until you’re an adult. Like, I think my kindergarten teacher had a drinking problem, because nap time was every day from nine o’clock to two-thirty.” - Jannine DiTullio A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. After a performing a thorough examination and running multiple tests, the doctor comes out with the results. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” says the doctor, “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible” says the man, “How long have I got?” “Ten,” the doctor says sadly. “Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? Ten What?” “Nine...” “I’m a hypochondriac. At least that’s what my gynecologist keeps telling me.” - Greg Rogell Page 17 A woman is in the delivery room in labor. One final push and the baby comes out. Above the baby’s pitiful first cries, she hears the horrified gasps of the doctor and shrieks of the nurses. The baby is rushed away before she can see it. Later, a doctor comes in and says, “I’m afraid there’s a...problem with your new son. It seems he was born without a body.” She stammers, “You mean...” “Yes,” the doctor says, “he’s just a head. But, on the bright side, he’s a perfectly healthy and normal head.” The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting her son (now a teenaged head) on a table upstairs near the window so he can look out at the other children playing. One day, the phone rings. It’s the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there has been a horrible accident, and a young man has been completely decapitated. There is a good chance that her son’s head can be attached to the victim’s body She drops the phone, runs upstairs to where her son has rested most of his life and says, “Son I have the most wonderful surprise for you” The kid looks up at her and replies, “I hope it’s not another hat.” “I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son’s driving and take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that say, “How’s My Driving?” and put a 1-900 number on it. At 50 cents a call, I’ve been making 38 a week.” A young couple, Jack and Jill, are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, Jack’s lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when Jill says, “I hope you don’t mind but I really do need to piss.” Slightly taken back by this vulgarity he replies, “OK. Why don’t you go behind this hedge.” She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As Jack waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Page 18 Unable to contain his animalistic thoughts a moment longer, Jack reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. Jack shouts in horror, “Oh no, Jill… have you changed your sex?” “No,” she replies. “but I changed my mind, I’m taking a shit instead.” “Behind every great man is a great woman. And behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass” An Irishman went to London for a visit to the circus. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person’s age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. “Is that right?” he asked the boy. “Yes, I’m nine” the boy said. The Irishman continued his loud heckling, still not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn’t believe. Then he turned back around, knocked the Irishman to the ground with his trunk and then stomped on him twice. The Irishman, crumpled and bleeding, staggered back to his feet and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, “Mother of Mary, he’s right... Farty-two” Page 19 “I discovered that I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” - Kevin James A young newlywed was preparing a ham for Christmas dinner. She carefully cut off the end of the ham before placing it in the pan for baking. Her husband asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?” And she replied, “I really don’t know, but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.” Later, when talking to her mother, she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.” A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?” Her grandmother replied, “Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan.” “Son, if you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” - Homer Simpson The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, “My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem…” “High-speed modem?” questions the judge.

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