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g n i G n i Y N a t L r I e N t E n M I A E E Short Stories SHORT STORIES from World War I & the 1920s by Stacy Aumonier by PHÆTON Stacy Aumonier T R R y T E l e T X m E N e r E t x EEXTREMELY ENTERTAINING SHORT STORIESg n i n i a t r e t n E Short Stories from World War i and the 1920s — Classic Works of a Master — by Stacy Aumonier PHÆTON TD PUBLISHING L . y l e m e r t x EExtremely Entertaining Short Stories (first published between 1914 and 1928) this compilation published 2008 by Phaeton Publishing Limited, Dublin. Selection and Introduction © Phaeton Publishing 2008 Cover drawings and illustrations copyright © O’ Dwyer & Jones Design Partnership 2008 Printed and bound in the United Kingdom by T J International Limited, Padstow. British Library Cataloguing In Publication Data: a catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. isbn: 978-0-9553756-3-7 paperback isbn: 978-0-9553756-5-1 hardback All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the publisher. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated, without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published, and with a similar condition imposed on all subsequent purchasers. This book contains works of fiction: names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, or to persons living or dead, is entirely coincidental. vii Introduction or many decades , this most entertaining and insightful of writers has been forgotten, and his F wonderful stories out of print. ‘A real master of the short story,’ John Galsworthy wrote of Stacy Aumonier, ‘… never heavy, never boring, never really trivial. His humour is sly and dry and frequent… And can’t he write.’ Aumonier’s comic stories are among the funniest ever written. His serious works observe the human condition with wit and elegance. All are page-turners, full of perception and humanity. Alfred Hitchcock was an admirer, and had some of his stories adapted for television in the 1950s, including the classic ‘Miss Bracegirdle Does Her Duty’. So what happened ? How could a writer so smart, so perceptive and with such a show-stopping turn of phrase have just vanished from memory ? In writing a foreword (quoted from above) to a collection of short stories published just after Aumonier’s early death at age 51, John Galsworthy finished with what has to be one of the most poignant and, unfortunately, least prophetic sentences in twentieth-century writing: ‘But his shade may rest in peace, for in this volume, at least, he will outlive nearly all the writers of his day.’ Inexplicably, that did not happen — and why it did not is one of the sad mysteries of twentieth-century fiction, because his writing was singular: always compelling, viii Introduction sometimes dazzling, and combining great heart with an unprecedented gift for the killer line: He was like a man utterly bored with every human experience— except perhaps drink. the room Was life a rag — a game played by lawyers, politicians, and people ? where was wych street? Thus you may see what a domineering personality, backed up by evening dress, may accomplish. juxtapositions Ironically, two of his great strengths— his lightness of touch and his versatility — probably worked against his reputation. He never appeared to take himself seriously and he could not be pigeonholed, writing with ease and skill in a multiplicity of styles. Most of his best stories are comedies. At the same time, the poignant ‘The Funny Man’s Day’ is about as perfect a short story as exists, and ‘Burney’s Laugh’ is an insightful lament for life’s inevitable trade-offs. He also wrote detective stories, adventure stories, and a memorably subversive Gothic story (‘Old Fags’). About a third of the stories in this volume qualify as classics, and will never be forgotten by anyone who reads them. The rest are first-class, gripping entertainments. All have enough depth and detail to be read repeatedly. It is unusual for purely comic stories to be even funnier on a second reading, but ‘The Landlord of The Love-a-Duck’, for instance, has so much lurking beneath the surface that it demands to be read more than once. Taken together, these stories add up to to a master-class in short-story writing. Stacy Aumonier wrote during, and in the decade after, World War I, and that war’s battlegrounds and trenches feature in many of his stories. His views on war in general, and what he perceived as the hypocrisy of its rules and values, are summed up movingly in the musings of the naïve protagonist in ‘Face’:Introduction ix He had never conceived that a war could be like this. Sometimes he would lie awake at night and ruminate vaguely on the queer perversity of fate which suddenly made murder popular. He had been turned out of England because he had quite inadvertently killed his father for kicking his mother across the shins, and now he was praised for killing five men within a few minutes. He didn’t know, of course, but perhaps some of those men — particularly that elderly plump man who coughed absurdly as he ran on to Caleb’s bayonet— perhaps they were better men than his father, although foreigners, although enemy. It was very perplexing … Impressively, out of the infamous trenches of that war, S tacy Aumonier was able to produce one of the funniest short stories of all time, ‘A Source of Irritation’. He took his characters from every rung of society (sometimes in the one story, as in ‘The Octave of Jealousy’) and from every walk, and every age, of life: sons who’ve wasted their inheritance; criminals; farm labourers; a clergyman’s sister; gold-diggers; an effective little tyrant (aged 4 or 5 ?) in ‘The Song of Praise’; a divinely-depicted music-hall comedian in the exquisite ‘The Funny Man’s Day’; the hapless fish-and-chips trader in the hilarious ‘A Good Action’. His talent for putting flesh on those characters in a few words was remarkable, such as in his portrait of the daunting club habitué in ‘Juxtapositions’: In spite of his missing limb, St Clair Chasseloup was the kind of man who always looked as though he had just had a cold bath, done Swedish drill, and then passed through the hairdresser’s on his way to your presence. or of the house-party guests being assessed as the possible perpetrators of a crime in ‘Freddie Finds Himself’: They all looked well off, well fed, and slightly vacant, entirely innocent of anything except the knowledge of what is done or what is not done. xiv Introduction colds the whole time. When I spoke to Dr — about it, he acknowledged the dampness but said it didn’t do the patients any harm. Then he talked about ‘the men in the trenches’. I could never quite see the force of this comparison … If well enough, I expect to go to Switzerland in October for the winter. He and his wife did travel to Montana in Switzerland for the winter of 1928. On 21st December 1928, however, he died of the ‘fell and vindictive’ disease in the beautiful setting of Clinique La Prairie, Clarens, by Lake Geneva. The 29 stories included in this volume have been arranged — deliberately — without grouping in relation to style or topic. War stories, thoughtful stories, purely comedic stories are intermixed— and the criterion for their selection was the title on the cover. For these really ar Ext e remely Entertaining Short Stories, and they come with a guarantee. They will compel and amuse you. For a long tedious journey, a sojourn laid up in bed, or just hard times, this book is a sure thing. s.j. xv From a Foreword by John Galsworthy (winner of the Nobel prize for literature in 1932) to a collection of some of Stacy Aumonier’s short stories. He wrote it in 1929, the year after Aumonier’s death. write this Foreword with enthusiasm, for these are… tales of a real master of the short story. The I word ‘great’ has been so overdone, and the word ‘genius’ is so fly-blown, that I shall use neither. Suffice it to say that Stacy Aumonier is one of the best short-story writers of all time, and that there is certainly no one more readable … The first essential in a short-story writer is the power of interesting sentence by sentence. Aumonier had this power in prime degree. You do not have to ‘get into’ his stories. He is especially notable for investing his figures with the breath of life within a few sentences. Take a short story like ‘The Funny Man’s Day’ — how wonderfully well we know that funny man not as a type only but as a human being How remarkably Miss Bracegirdle, in twenty minutes of our time, becomes a permanent acquaintance … There was … something Gallic in Aumonier’s temperament, or at least in his talent— not in his style, which is very English, but in his way of envisaging his subjects. This is not remarkable, considering his name and his face; but in spite of his French look and his Huguenot origin, he was truly English in his humour and attitude to life. French in mind, he was English in heart; for no Frenchman—not even Monsieur André Maurois— could have conceived Alfred Codling — ‘the man of letters’, or ‘the Great Unimpressionable’, or ‘The Grayles’ … xvi A short-story writer is always beset by the temptation to be inventive rather than creative or even recreative. This is a temptation to which Aumonier rarely if ever succumbed. He was profoundly in love with life, and impregnated through and through by curiosity about life and its manifestations, whether simple or queer. All types were fish to his net; and he has given us the fruits of his passion for, and his curiosity about, existence with a deft and always interesting fidelity. And with what sympathy he can hit off character … His humour is sly and dry and frequent and wholly delightful. And how he puts his finger on weak spots Yet with what restraint he satirizes Stacy Aumonier is never heavy, never boring, never really trivial; interested himself, he keeps us interested. At the back of his tales there is belief in life and a philosophy of life, and of how many short-story writers can that be said ? He understands the art of movement in a tale, he has the power of suggestion, he has a sense of line that most of us should envy; he is wholly uninfluenced by the dreary self-consciousness of novelty for novelty’s sake. He is not tricky. He follows no fashion and no school. He is always himself. And can’t he write? A h far better than far more pretentious writers. Nothing escapes his eye, but he describes without affectation or redundancy, and you sense in him a feeling for beauty that is never obtruded. He gets values right, and that is to say nearly everything. The easeful fidelity of his style has militated against his reputation in these somewhat posturing times. But his shade may rest in peace, for in this volume, at least, he will outlive nearly all the writers of his day. John Galsworthyxvii Contents story page i. Miss Bracegirdle Does Her Duty 1 ii. A Source of Irritation 21 iii. Juxtapositions 37 iv. The Room 54 v. A Man of Letters 68 vi. The Funny Man’s Day 81 vii. Where Was Wych Street? 100 viii. The Spoil-Sport 119 ix. The Deserter 133 x. The Landlord of ‘The Love-a-Duck’ 159 xi. The Grayles 183 xii. An Adventure in Bed 199 xiii. Burney’s Laugh 211 xiv. The Great Unimpressionable 229 xv. One Sunday Morning 249 xvi. Two of Those Women 260 xvii. ‘Old Fags’ 271 xviii. The Octave of Jealousy 297 xix. The Song of Praise 319 xx. The Persistent Mother 337 xxi. ‘Straight Griggs’ 357 xxii. Dark Red Roses 382 xxiii. The Accident of Crime 397 xxiv. One Thing Leads to Another 419 xxv. ‘ Face’ 437 xxvi. Freddie Finds Himself 463 xxvii. ‘Page 189’ 485 xxviii. The Brown Wallet 508 xxix. A Good Action 529 & an essay The Thrill of Being Ill 551— i — Miss Bracegirdle Does Her Duty his is the room, madame.’ ‘Ah, thank you … thank you.’ ‘T ‘Does it appear satisfactory to madame?’ ‘Oh, yes, thank you … quite.’ ‘Does madame require anything further ?’ ‘Er— if not too late, may I have a hot bath ?’ ‘Parfaitement, madame. The bathroom is at the end of the passage on the left. I will go and prepare it for madame.’ ‘There is one thing more … I have had a very long journey. I am very tired. Will you please see that I am not disturbed in the morning until I ring.’ ‘Certainly, madame.’ Millicent Bracegirdle was speaking the truth — she was tired. In the sleepy cathedral town of Easingstoke, from which she came, it was customary for everyone to speak the truth. It was customary, moreover, for everyone to lead simple, self-denying lives — to give up their time to good works and elevating thoughts. One had only to glance at little Miss Bracegirdle to see that in her was epitomized all the virtues and ideals of Easingstoke. Indeed, it was the pursuit of duty which had brought her to the Hôtel de l’Ouest at Bordeaux on this summer’s night. She had travelled from Easingstoke to London, then without a break to Dover, crossed that horrid stretch of sea to Calais, entrained for Paris, where she of necessity had to spend four hours— a terrifying experience — and then ha d come on to Bordeaux, arriving at midnight. The reason of this journey being that someone had to come to Bordeaux to 12 Extremely Entertaining Short Stories meet her young sister-in-law, who was arriving the next day from South America. The sister-in-law was married to a missionary in Paraguay, but the climate not agreeing with her, she was returning to England. Her dear brother, the dean, would have come himself, but the claims on his time were so extensive, the parishioners would miss him so … it was clearly Millicent’s duty to go. She had never been out of England before, and she had a horror of travel, and an ingrained distrust of foreigners. She spoke a little French— sufficient for the purposes of travel and for obtaining any modest necessities, but not sufficient for carrying on any kind of conversation. She did not deplore this latter fact, for she was of opinion that French people were not the kind of people that one would naturally want to have conversation with; broadly speaking, they were not quite ‘nice’, in spite of their ingratiating manners. The dear dean had given her endless advice, warning her earnestly not to enter into conversation with strangers, to obtain all information from the police, railway officials — in fact, anyone in an official uniform. He deeply regretted to say that he was afraid that France was not a country for a woman to travel about in alone. There were loose, bad people about, always on the lookout … He really thought perhaps he ought not to let her go. It was only by the utmost persuasion, in which she rather exaggerated her knowledge of the French language and character, her courage, and indifference to discomfort, that she managed to carry the day. She unpacked her valise, placed her things about the room, tried to thrust back the little stabs of homesickness as she visualized her darling room at the deanery. How strange and hard and unfriendly seemed these foreign hotel bedrooms — heavy and depressing, no chintz and lavender and photographs of … all the dear family, the dean, the nephews and nieces, the interior of the cathedral during harvest festival, no samplers and needlework or Miss Bracegirdle Does Her Duty 3 coloured reproductions of the paintings by Marcus Stone. Oh dear, how foolish she was What did she expect ? She disrobed and donned a dressing gown; then, armed with a sponge-bag and towel, she crept timidly down the passage to the bathroom, after closing her bedroom door and turning out the light. The gay bathroom cheered her. She wallowed luxuriously in the hot water, regarding her slim legs with quiet satisfaction. And for the first time since leaving home there came to her a pleasant moment — a sense of enjoyment in her adventure. After all, it was rather an adventure, and her life had been peculiarly devoid of it. What queer lives some people must live, travelling about, having experiences Ho w old was she ? Not really old — not by any means. Forty-two ? Forty-three ? She had shut herself up so. She hardly ever regarded the potentialities of age. As the world went, she was a well-preserved woman for her age. A life of self-abnegation, simple living, healthy walking and fresh air had kept her younger than these hurrying, pampered city people. Love ? yes, once when she was a young girl … he was a schoolmaster, a most estimable kind gentleman. They were never engaged — not actually, but it was a kind of understood thing. For three years it went on, this pleasant understanding and friendship. He was so gentle, so distinguished and considerate. She would have been happy to have continued in this strain forever. But there was something lacking. Stephen had curious restless lapses. From the physical aspect of marriage she shrunk—yes, even with Stephen, who was gentleness and kindness itself. And then one day … one day he went away— vanished, and never returned. They told her he had married one of the country girls — a girl who used to work in Mrs Forbes’ dairy— not a very nice girl, she feared, one of these fast, pretty, foolish women. Heigho well, she had lived that down, destructive as the blow appeared at the time. One lives everything down in time. There is always — i i — A Source of Irritation o look at old Sam Gates you would never suspect him of having nerves. His sixty-nine T years of close application to the needs of the soil had given him a certain earthy stolidity. To observe him hoeing, or thinning out a broad field of swede turnips, hardly attracted one’s attention, he seemed so much part and parcel of the whole scheme. He blended into the soil like a glorified swede. Nevertheless, the half-dozen people who claimed his acquaintance knew him to be a man who suffered from little moods of irritability. And on this glorious morning a little incident annoyed him unreasonably. It concerned his niece Aggie. She was a plump girl with clear blue eyes and a face as round and inexpressive as the dumplings for which the county was famous. She came slowly across the long sweep of the downland and, putting down the bundle wrapped up in a red handkerchief which contained his breakfast and dinner, she said: ‘Well, Uncle, is there any noos?’ Now this may not appear to the casual reader to be a remark likely to cause irritation, but it affected old Sam Gates as a very silly and unnecessary question. It was moreover the constant repetition of it which was beginning to anger him. He met his niece twice a day. In the morning she brought his bundle of food at seven, and when he passed his sister’s cottage on the way home to tea at five she was invariably hanging about the gate. And on each occasion she always said, in exactly the same voice: ‘Well, Uncle, is there any noos?’ 2122 Extremely Entertaining Short Stories ‘Noos ’ What ‘noos’ should there be ? For sixty-nine years he had never lived farther than five miles from Halvesham. For nearly sixty of those years he had bent his back above the soil. There were indeed historic occasions: once, for instance, when he had married Annie Hachet. And there was the birth of his daughter. There was also a famous occasion when he had visited London. Once he had been to a flower show at Market Roughborough. He either went or didn’t go to church on Sundays. He had had many interesting chats with Mr James at ‘The Cowman’, and three years ago had sold a pig to Mrs Waig. But he couldn’t always have interesting ‘noos’ of this sort up his sleeve. Didn’t the silly gaffir know that for the last three weeks he had been thinning out turnips for Mr Dodge on this very same field ? What ‘noos’ could there be ? He blinked at his niece, and didn’t answer. She undid the parcel, and said: ‘Mrs Goping’s fowl got out again last night.’ He replied, ‘Ah’ in a non-committal manner, and began to munch his bread and bacon. His niece picked up the handkerchief, and humming to herself, walked back across the field. It was a glorious morning, and a white sea mist added to the promise of a hot day. He sat there munching, thinking of nothing in particular, but gradually subsiding into a mood of placid content. He noticed the back of Aggie disappear in the distance. It was a mile to the cottage, and a mile and a half to Halvesham. Silly things, girls They were all alike. One had to make allowances. He dismissed her from his thoughts, and took a long swig of tea out of a bottle. Insects buzzed lazily. He tapped his pocket to assure himself that his pouch of shag was there, and then he continued munching. When he had finished, he lighted his pipe and stretched himself comfortably. He looked along the line of turnips he had thinned, and then across the adjoining field of swedes. Silver streaks appeared on the sea below the mist. In some dim way he A Source of Irritation 23 felt happy in his solitude amidst this sweeping immensity of earth and sea and sky. And then something else came to irritate him. It was one of ‘these dratted airyplanes’. ‘Airyplanes’ were his pet aversion. He could find nothing to be said in their favour. Nasty, noisy, vile-smelling things that seared the heavens, and made the earth dangerous. And every day there seemed to be more and more of them. Of course ‘this old war’ was responsible for a lot of them, he knew. The war was a ‘plaguey noosance’. They were short-handed on the farm. Beer and tobacco were dear, and Mrs Stevens’ nephew had been and got wounded in the foot. He turned his attention once more to the turnips. But an ‘airyplane’ has an annoying genius for gripping one’s attention. When it appears on the scene, however much we dislike it, it has a way of taking stage-centre; we cannot help constantly looking at it. And so it was with old Sam Gates. He spat on his hands, and blinked up at the sky. And suddenly the aeroplane behaved in a very extraordinary manner. It was well over the sea when it seemed to lurch in a drunken manner, and skimmed the water. Then it shot up at a dangerous angle and zigzagged. It started to go farther out, and then turned and made for the land. The engines were making a curious grating noise. It rose once more, and then suddenly dived downward, and came plump down right in the middle of Mr Dodge’s field of swedes Finally, as if not content with this desecration, it ran along the ground, ripping and tearing up twenty-five yards of good swedes, and then came to a stop. Old Sam Gates was in a terrible state. The aeroplane was more than a hundred yards away, but he waved his arms, and called out: ‘Hi you there, you musn’t land in they swedes They’re Mister Dodge’s.’ The instant the aeroplane stopped, a man leaped out and gazed quickly round. He glanced at Sam Gates, and — i i i — Juxtapositions here we are all mixed up ,’ said my friend, Samuel Squidge, vigorously scraping down ‘W the Portrait of the Artist, by Himself with a palette knife, ‘is in our juxtapositions. It’s all nonsense, I tell you. People talk about a bad colour. There’s no such thing as a bad colour. Every colour is beautiful in its right juxtaposition. When you hear a woman say “I hate puce” or “I love green”, she might as well say “I hate sky” or “I love grass”. If she had seen puce used in a colour-print as Hiroshige the Second used it — green— fancy loving green The idiot Do you remember what Corot said ? He said Nature was too green and too badly lighted. Now the old man was quite right—’ When Squidge starts talking in this strain he is rather apt to go off the deep end. I yawned and murmured sweetly: ‘We were talking about Colin St Clair Chasseloup.’ ‘Exactly A nd I’m trying to point out to you how, with Colin St Clair Chasseloup, it’s all a question of juxtapositions. You say that Colin is a frozen drunkard, a surly bore, a high-pressure nonentity. Listen to me. We’re all nice people, every one of us. Give a man the right air he should breathe, the right food he should eat, the right work he should do, the right people he should associate with, and he’s a perfect dear, every one of him. There isn’t a real irreconcilable on the earth. But the juxtapositio — n ’ ‘What has Chasseloup to complain of ? He has money, a charming wife, children, a place in the country, a flat in town. He does exactly what he likes.’ 3738 Extremely Entertaining Short Stories Squidge surveyed me with amazement. ‘You ass You prize ass I thought y ou wrote about people. I thought you were supposed to understand people A nd there you go and make a smug, asinine remark like that.’ I blushed, fully conscious that Squidge was being justifiably merciless. It was an asinine statement but then I was merely putting out a feeler, and I could not explain this to the portrait painter. After all, I did not really know St Clair Chasseloup. He was only a club acquaintance, and a very unclubbable acquaintance he was. He appeared to dislike club life. To a stranger he seemed to reek of patrician intolerance. He was an aristocrat of aristocrats. His well-set-up, beautifully groomed figure, clean-cut features, well-poised head, were all in the classic tradition of a ruling caste. It was only about the rather heavy eyelids and the restless mouth that one detected the cynic, the disappointed man, the disillusioned boor. Why ? … It was no affair of mine, the secret troubles of this man’s heart. But it was his business to behave himself to me decently. To hell with Colin St Clair Chasseloup I disliked the man. But then we all dislike people who we feel nurture an innate sense of superiority to us. Added to this trying exterior of complete self-absorption and superiority, one had also to allow for the vanity of the cripple. St Clair Chasseloup had lost his right leg just below the knee. It happened before the war. Indeed, at the time when he was a naval cadet at Osborne, skylarking with other young cadets, he had slipped from a pinnace on a rough day and his right foot had been crushed against the stone wall of a jetty. The leg had to be amputated. That was the end of his naval career. And his father had been a commodore before him, and his father’s father was in the Battle of Trafalgar, and so on right away back to the spacious days of Elizabeth — all naval men. Devilish bad luck, you may say Of course , one had to allow for the bitterness that this misfortune must have produced. Juxtapositions 39 At the same time it doesn’t excuse a man not answering when he’s spoken to by a fellow-member at the club, or for looking at one — like Chasseloup did Squidge’s championship of the thwarted seaman amused me. You could not conceive a more remarkable contrast. I was not even aware that they knew each other. In spite of his missing limb, St Clair Chasseloup was the kind of man who always looked as though he had just had a cold bath, done Swedish drill, and then passed through the hairdresser’s on his way to your presence. He was aggressively fit. Squidge looked as though a walk to the end of the street would have brought on valvular disease of the heart. From the centre of a dank beard, limp ends of cigarettes eternally clung. Physically, he was just comic. It was his vivid eyes and his queer excitable voice that told you that he was a person of no mean vitality. He was just as sociable and optimistic as Chasseloup was taciturn and moribund. And yet they met on some odd plane, it appeared. Well, well, I could understand Squidge finding merit in Chasseloup, indeed in anyone, but what would Chasseloup’s opinion of Squidge be ? It made me shudder to contemplate. On the occasion I am recounting it was almost impossible to extract any further intimate details out of Squidge, for he had flown off on one of his pet theoretical tangents. ‘It’s a queer rum thing,’ he was saying, ‘why people ever get married at all. You simply can’t get level with it — the most unlikely, most outrageous combinations The more outrageous the more likely they are to be a success. You see some scraggy goat of a woman and you think to yourself, “Poor wretc whate h ver sort of chance has she got of getting married?” and the next thing you hear is that she’s married to some god who adores her, and they have a large family of boys at Harrow and girls at Girton. Queer A nother woman breathes sunlight and the men pursue her, and nothing happens. She’s unhappy. I know a woman who is married to a man she is apparently in love